Project Declinging, day 1.

This is the official start of project Declinging

In 6, weeks, I will celebrate my 45th birthday.  As an introverted, working single mother, involved in other pursuits, I have not had an active dating life. I have however, managed to leave a sequence of failed relationships in my wake.

Some, I am glad I left behind. Some, however, I totally regret losing.  One, I will especially miss.

I was married once, but I have generally been single all my life.  One common denominator of all my past relationships is that I have never been able to stay in one for longer than six months.

It would be naive to try to find a common reason for all my relationship failures. For project Declinging, I will specifically address one of the reasons as to why my latest relationship failed.

I have a personality which is prompt to anxiety, obsessive compulsiveness and what most people would describe as quite a 'intense' personality. "What a charming combo!" You would say. To you I say "Shut the fuck up."

What no man seems to find attractive or charming is my neediness and clinginess. When in a relationship, I feel the need to be told that I am loved and needed constantly. In other words, I need a stalker.

A normal healthy man that loves me gets exhausted quickly by my constant demands of evidence of their devotion.  My regular dissecting his every action, his every word, to find proof that he no longer loves me, has proven to be a quick and lethal relationship killer.  Fuck, I get tired of myself at times!

This is a complex problem. This is not a behavior that could be addressed by simply not behaving in a clingy manner. This is rooted in a deep need for validation, driven by emotion; and so far, has only brought about insecurity and anxiety. I feel that in order to have a shot at maintaining happier and longer lasting relationships, I must address the cause of the problem.

Step 1 of my project was to start this blog, to document my progress. I will use this blog as a vehicle for whatever else I need to address as I need a way to discuss my concerns without overwhelming my loved ones.

Step 2 is to start my research on the subject.  I will get good books and sites on the subject, and I will document my findings in this blog.