Why is it so damned hard to find friends?

I was listening to a morning radio show a few days ago. Celebrity gossip, usual morning rattle.  The topic at hand was a statement made by the producers of the sitcom Friends. "There will be no Friends reunion show." The reason? The producer saidt hat in your twenties friends are your family but after that, we get married and form new families so friends are no longer needed. 

The radio announcer was disappointed to find out there will be no reunion show, but not frazzle at all by the producers low opinion of friendships after marriage. While I don't have any statistical data to back me up, and I am too lazy to engage in the actual research, I will have to say that most people around my age in Orlando, share that opinion.

The only friends I have, I made in my youth. I have not made any lasting friendships since my twenties.  I am very lucky that I have a friend I made in elementary school that lives close by. Without her, I would be completely friendless, in a sea of acquaintanceship. 

Ironically, with the advent of dating sites, it is wicked easy to find dates. If one is willing to adapt expectations, even a husband or live in partner would be reasonably attainable.  

Finding new girlfriends to hang out with?  Mission impossible.  

Most women my age are very involved in taking care of their families and have no interest in going out clubbing or parading around town doing goofy stuff. They are up for shopping trips. Everyone seems to love going to the mall to buy clothes for their children, but not much else. 

I know I appear jaded and too "forever alone" for judging women that are very committed to their families, let me explain my perspective.  I was that woman, for about 20 years.  I am now essentially done with motherhood and not in a relationship.  Even if I was in a relationship, I think that there is space in my life to go out with friends and hang as we did in our twenties.  

I have every right to feel victimized by society here.  At my age, I am expected to be put to pasture or to just concentrate on "my man." or my now adult children.  In the absence of a man or children to toil about, I should be busy in the prowl, finding a man I can dote on.  A cougar on the prowl, looking for fresh meat. 

Women out hunting make awful hang out buddies.  The not only will ditch you the moment they secure a victim, they are not out with the intention to have fun, but focused on the task at hang. 

Relationships are addictive

I was introduced to this concept by a post at the Google Plus Cynical  Singles Community. At first, I was against it. After all, we are social animals, bonding is part of the human experience. However, after some thinking and evaluating my own experiences with relationships, I am beginning to think that there is some truth behind this statement.

I don't think I am  addicted to love, but I have at times become addicted to relationships.  I have fallen apart at the end of the relationships that I knew were already broken, I think that it is like gambling, or using physically addictive substances. Relationships gives us a lot of pleasure and  we are hard wired to seek this pleasurable activities. The awful  other side of the coin of this pleasurable addictive activities, is of course, the harsh withdrawal.  Oh it hurts!  Every minute of remembering how good it was, how much he is missed. I conveniently forget that for every pleasure filled moment, there were ten horrible moments.

Like a heroine addict whose life has been ruined by the drug addiction, I wishfully remember all the good moments and forget all the pain.  Forget that this addiction is ruining  my life. That the few minutes of blissfulness I would get form my drug, will not in any way make up for all the suffering that is causes me.

All addictions are hard to break, relationships are one of the hardest.  Specially hard when the other person has not been cut out of my life completely,which would have speed up recovery in most cases.   Thankfully, when a relationship was ended by the other party, relapse is not an option. Not being able to move on, living in a state of suspended animation, waiting for the person to change his mind...Even when I rationally realized it is not happening is the worst part of an ended relationship for me.

Even as I am certain that I am not going back, that I will not beg or cajole...Even as I know that  we are not getting back together,that it is not actually happening, I fantasize of this scenario where I am beautiful  and happy and my ex is trying now to persuade me to get back together. This has been the motivation of many women that have gone and improved their lives and their appearances in preparation for this mythical encounter. I guess if it is helpful, it can be part of the healing process.

We know enough about how to deal with addictions. There is the 12 steps for those that dig relenting to their higher power or whatever those guys are doing. How come we do not have relationship anonymous?  It would be a wonderful tool for recently discarded women to get together and talk about their exes. The sponsor would be there, making sure we do not drunk call an ex or drive by his house.  Even if one is not inclined to belief in higher power, the camaraderie and the sponsorship would be enough to make this a great resource.

Classical condition is very effective too. Making list of all the horrid things the ex did and making sure to not forget them. Focus on the negative.. Yes, that is advise one does not hear every day but very effective when trying to forget a loved one.  Remember ever shitty thing he ever did, and soon you will forget the fond memories as well.

Either way it takes time, but it hurts a little bit less every day. One day, one realizes that the hurt is gone, that he is not obsessive thought number one. That other men are starting to look yummy. That live goes on.

Not becoming a crazy ex girlfriend is a very important task during recovery, regardless of the recover path chosen. It is easy to rationalize, in the mist of addiction that I could present my case better, he would understand the error of his ways and be back with me. This has not happened in the history of humanity.  This is a sure path to become a crazy ex girlfriend.  So forget it.. You can never argue your case, you cannot convince anyone that they should love you or be with you.  And frankly, at this point, he is not worth it.

Project 150 x 45

Project summary: 

To weight 150 lbs by my 45th birthday.

I have been overweight most of my life, with ups and downs, as most of us fatties live our lives. I found low carb after reaching my highest weight of 225 in 2001. I have been able to lose around 50 lbs and maintain an stable weigh and good health since my low carb journey started.  

Had I not found low carb at that point in my life, I think by now I would be morbidly obese and very sick, as I was in the fast track, gaining about 10 lbs per year and plagued by allergies, migraine headaches, and working my way into diabetes.

Let me break the flow here to do a  shut out to Dr. Atkins and Gary Taubes, the men that gave me my health back. To  Jimmy Moore, for giving me the missing piece of the puzzle, with his latest nutritional ketosis experiment. Also,  Reddit/r/keto for inspiring me to stay on track with all the great success stories. 

I am healthy and comfortable at 175 lbs. If I did not lose one more pound, I would be at peace. I am not thin, heck, I am still obese by BMI. However, I am in good health and I can buy clothes at regular stores. I even get a decent amount of men attention. I actually though that I was not going to be able to drop any more weight. I have been at the same weight range for years now, and had accepted my fate. 

When Jimmy Moore stated writing about his n=1 nutritional ketosis experiment and reporting in his weight lost, I got excited and also dropped the amount of protein in my diet.  I was shocked about how fast my weight started going down. Even with my last diet style, that includes daily wine drinking and eating out at least once a week.  Now that I realize, if I control the carbs AND the protein, I can achieve weight  lost. 

This is doable. This is happening. After a life time of being "that fat woman" I could be normal weight. I could be attractive and buy the cute clothes that are not made for my current size.  

I am now, very focus in this project. In my dream of reaching the land of normal weight.  

To achieve this dream, I have decided on the following steps: 

1. Continue a diet that is very low carb,  moderate protein and portion controlled diet.

2. Intermittent Fasting,  for now in a free, when it happens manner. Maybe, I will add more structure in the future. 

3. Gym.  Yes boys and girls, I have officially signed up at the gym. Since I am hopping for a big change, rather quickly, I have added exercise to the mix. 

By the time I reach 45, I wont be normal weigh. I however can, be overweight instead of obese. I will crank up my efforts for the next 5 weeks to get my weight down as much as I can.  After that, I will probably step back and return to my easy  current pace of weigh loss. My target now, is 125 lbs. Dare I dream that? Yes, I do.  

Project Declinging, day 1.

This is the official start of project Declinging

In 6, weeks, I will celebrate my 45th birthday.  As an introverted, working single mother, involved in other pursuits, I have not had an active dating life. I have however, managed to leave a sequence of failed relationships in my wake.

Some, I am glad I left behind. Some, however, I totally regret losing.  One, I will especially miss.

I was married once, but I have generally been single all my life.  One common denominator of all my past relationships is that I have never been able to stay in one for longer than six months.

It would be naive to try to find a common reason for all my relationship failures. For project Declinging, I will specifically address one of the reasons as to why my latest relationship failed.

I have a personality which is prompt to anxiety, obsessive compulsiveness and what most people would describe as quite a 'intense' personality. "What a charming combo!" You would say. To you I say "Shut the fuck up."

What no man seems to find attractive or charming is my neediness and clinginess. When in a relationship, I feel the need to be told that I am loved and needed constantly. In other words, I need a stalker.

A normal healthy man that loves me gets exhausted quickly by my constant demands of evidence of their devotion.  My regular dissecting his every action, his every word, to find proof that he no longer loves me, has proven to be a quick and lethal relationship killer.  Fuck, I get tired of myself at times!

This is a complex problem. This is not a behavior that could be addressed by simply not behaving in a clingy manner. This is rooted in a deep need for validation, driven by emotion; and so far, has only brought about insecurity and anxiety. I feel that in order to have a shot at maintaining happier and longer lasting relationships, I must address the cause of the problem.

Step 1 of my project was to start this blog, to document my progress. I will use this blog as a vehicle for whatever else I need to address as I need a way to discuss my concerns without overwhelming my loved ones.

Step 2 is to start my research on the subject.  I will get good books and sites on the subject, and I will document my findings in this blog.